PI: Awesome Internet Edition

Look at this fine upstanding chap, he’s Robin from the sequel to 2009’s almost video game of the year Batman: Arkham Asylum, a game which you play a Batman who managed to forget many of this gadgets before escorting Joker into an asylum, then had to find unique and interesting ways in which to retrieve them.

Thankfully Rocksteady done more than simply release some concept art of how Robin may appear in Batman: Arkham City, they also posted it on an Internet forum along with a quote from the artist, here is that quote.

We wanted to create a Robin that players would identify as a contemporary character and move away from the traditional “Boy Wonder” image that most people know. Our vision of Robin is the one of a troubled young individual that is calm and introverted at times but very dangerous and aggressive if provoked because the kind of people who play video games would consider traditional Robin to be a bit of a pansy.

The shaved head is inspired by cage fighters, because we thought that Robin might be doing that in his spare time to keep him on his toes, also it sounds cool which should appeal to gamers, and we couldn’t be bothered to attempt rendering hair in Unreal Engine 3. Still, we kept all the classic trademarks of Robin’s appearance, such as the red and yellow colors of his outfit, the cape and the mask but a cool hood has been added so he looks a bit like that guy people liked from that game people constantly compared to inFamous despite them being nothing alike.

We really hope that people will discover our Robin as one of their new favorite characters in the Batman universe. He is back and he means business and we made him to appeal to you, video gamer.

I may have added additional words.

The original quote may be located here, should you wish to read the slightly less amusing version.

As the developers of Prince Naseem Boxing, Codemasters have a long history of taking a sporting great and turning their sport into a video game featuring them. Prince Naseem obviously being the greatest boxer of all time, and possibly also the inventor of boxing.

Thankfully Dirt 3 is no different, with Ken Block being the greatest rally driver of all time and creator of motorsport it makes perfect sense to base a game around his ability to be a hoonigan (whatever that means). Hooning is not a crime though, it says so right on the texture representing a livery on his video game Ford Fiesta.

Let’s not jump the gun though, before being offered the chance to hear his flat-billed holiness speak into a microphone a profile must be generated. Like all good video games a name can be entered using the correct casing, only to later discover that every other driver in the game has his name presented in a fully capitalized style.

As if having your name presented on a leaderboard next to rallying greats such as Dave Mirra wasn’t exciting enough, it’s also possible to select a pre-recorded name with which the voice speakers (yes, I did just avoid calling them actors) in the game will refer to you. I selected Rick, as it’s like Rik just spelt incorrectly. Unlike when my name is written on the side of a novelty pen, this isn’t too much of an issue, like other words in the English language Rick and Rik sound identical when spoken. Also, if the people who buy novelty pens informing me that the store from which they are purchased did not have my name happen to read this, please stop, I already have pens.

Upon profile creation completion it’s also possible to delve further into menus and pick between a male and female co-driver. I opted for the lady, sacrificing navigational ability for the chance to race in well-pressed overalls. Also to make that sexist joke.

Another woman, this time English, appears via voice-over to inform you that you’ve been signed up to a four season contract in the Dirt Tour. Why? Because it’s important video games have a story. I’d imagine she also makes cups of tea and washes up.

An Australian mechanic is also introduced, he enjoys stilted banter with the English lady who quickly begins to sound like she’d rather have a child poke her eyes out with a pogo stick than be in the studio recording these lines. As the mechanic has nothing interesting to say I took a highly suspicious stance with him, often fearing he would steal the wheels from my car shortly before a race. It made the load times slightly more entertaining.

Two characters isn’t enough for a form of entertainment that believes three is the correct amount of everything, so an enthusiastic American is also there. His job is to be enthusiastic, tell you about Ken Block, and possibly also about other video game elements such as earning XP.

I can also tell you about earning XP, it’s earned by taking part in a variety of events, none of which are as interesting as a full point-to-point rally game would be. There is of course point-to-point courses in the game though, they just lack the interesting structure a real rally takes, and most of them appear to last around one minute and thirty seconds, at least until the later stages of the game where slightly longer tracks are sprinkled in with the shorter ones, so you get to drive through the same area on multiple stages.

Once enough XP is earned through real racing a chance to finally partake in the sport of true champions, gymkhana, is offered. Not only that, the excitable American also takes the time to point out that a true legend and indeed YouTube sensation has been lined up to show the ropes. Yes, a legend! Ken Block considered a legend, right? I hope so, because if he isn’t I’m going to have to stop ironing the bills on my cap collection.

Ken Block shows off his inability to fake a laugh then offers some guidance, I can’t remember what, I learned to ignore the YouTube sensation fairly quickly. When Ken finally shuts up you get the chance to sit in Ken Block’s Ford Fiesta and spin around large open spaces, like all of the greatest rally drivers.

I decided to upload a video of myself performing a required gymkhana task to see whether it would shut up the man who keeps insisting I upload my amazing replays to “YouToob”. It doesn’t shut him up, and it turns out you can only upload 30 unedited seconds of footage, making the whole thing rather pointless. Here’s my replay though:

Hopefully you can make out the skull Ken Block uses to replace the O in his name, the “hooner on board” sign mocking the classic sign suggesting people drive carefully as a vehicle nearby has baby on board, along with various other embellishments I’d point out had I remembered to take a screenshot of the car rather than having to inspect an incredibly poor quality video. Oh, the livery also has a rather classy paint drip effect going on.

I think that’s everything inconsequential about Dirt 3 covered, feel free to purchase or not purchase it based on whether you enjoyed previous Codemasters racing games.

I don’t know if you noticed but the PlayStation Network online video game service was down for quite a while. To celebrate, Bethesda released online focused first person shooter video game called Brink. As with most games I ended up buying a copy, clearly, being an owner of all video game playing platforms avoiding the PS3 version of the game would’ve been the wise thing to do, so I done the opposite and bought that very version, mainly because I found the concept so incredibly dumb that it managed to amuse me.

There is some positives to take away from this decision. Being unable to connect to an online service forced me to focus on the challenge mode, which is actually just a tutorial for idiots who do not understand how to interact with objects, or stand next to slow moving vehicles. There’s a bunch of weapon attachment unlocks being held hostage until these challenges are complete though, so they’re worth doing. And should you enjoy these challenges so much that you wish to play through them multiple times you’ll be allowed to post a score to a highscore board! I don’t know why anyone would want to do that.

To be fair, I feel this is a decent way of storing weapon attachments when the only current alternative in multiplayer shooters appears to be several hours of under-equipped online play until you’ve finally proven your dedication to the product you just bought. It is such a great way to add longevity after all, no one plays those classic PC games which just give you everything from the start anymore.

Similar to many other games, attachments come in the form of silencers, grips, scopes, and other such nonsense. Also similar to many other games equipping them will grant minor improvements to some stats, while also slightly decreasing others. Because that’s how balance works. Well, that’s how balance is supposed to work, most of the weapons in Brink are terrible though, so it isn’t too important.

Due to my inability to get online, or more accurately, Sony’s inability to protect their users’ data, I began playing the campaign mode. This is actually just a series of matches on multiplayer maps with bots filling the role of human players, but bookended by some rather attractive cutscenes. So it’s not really a campaign mode then, unless campaigns are now largely considered in place to show off some fancy story driven cutscenes. Oh, never mind.

The cutscenes do give a nice idea of how the developers intended the game to look though, rather than the mess of texture pop-in it actually is. During my moments within one of Brink’s narrow corridors I noticed that if I point my camera at one wall, then quickly turn and look at the wall behind me, all high resolution textures have evacuated and desperately struggle to load back in as swiftly as possible. Clearly though, players turning around in corridors is a highly unlikely scenario so I can see why all of the textures would be dumped in that situation.

Once over the engine’s inability to load textures at an acceptable rate I moved on to more important matters, such as the bots, since they’re a key feature in the campaign mode. They seem to head towards objectives as a team, so that’s a positive, but once they get there everything appears to fall apart. I’m not quite sure why, perhaps it’s because they want to give me something to do rather than simply playing my game for me. I wasn’t overly fond of playing the campaign mode though, instead I sought a solution. That solution appeared to be switching to a class which isn’t required for completion of the current objective, an act which appears to force the bots to begin attempting to achieve the main goal, rather than waiting for me to roll in.

Clearly this shouldn’t be an issue online, unfortunately it’s replaced by the increased risk of joining a game loaded with those unable to grasp team based video game playing. Some may refer to such people as spackers, but I would never be so offensive.

Besides, I’ve had the chance to take the game online now and all of my team was working towards the objective. This is probably because the game doesn’t list any stats other than the amount of XP earned, meaning people are less worried about being ruining their kill to death ratio and more interested in doing what they can to increase their XP gain, like the mindless high score seeking drones the developers assumed they’d be when constructing the scoreboard.

I managed to complete one and a half rounds before lag reared its ugly head and I had to exit the game. I’m not sure why, as far as I could tell every person in the game still had a green bar ping. Whatever the hell a green bar means in ping land. Remember the good old days when numbers were used so things could be understood? I do.

Oh I should probably mention the SMART button as I think it’s considered a key feature. SMART stands for something like ‘shit movement animations resembling traversal’, possibly. Basically it’s a button which when held down causes your character to sprint, hurdle obstacles, slide under things, and climb up walls. It certainly streamlines running around the world, so if you thought pressing jump buttons and crouch buttons was a lot of effort then this feature is for you.

Character size also plays a part in SMART. Hey look, words what do rhyme. You have the skinny guy who can climb higher walls and move faster, but at the cost of less health. The fat guy who can’t do any fun stuff but has more health, and the in the middle guy, who does all the in the middle things. I haven’t yet figured out a use for skinny guy, sure, sometimes I can sneak past the enemy, but then what? Am I supposed to say “Ah ha! Look, I’m behind you fools now, let me shoot you in the back!” Because if I am, I’ve tried that and it just makes them all turn around and shoot me.

I think that’s everything. Rather disappointingly I don’t have a friend stupid enough to buy Brink so I can’t interview them to see how they feel about the game, I imagine they’d just agree with me so they don’t have to spend the next two hours listening to me prove them wrong.

Now, if the abundance of technical issues ever get sorted out Brink could end up turning into a rather enjoyable game, but the technical issues seem like massive engine flaws rather than something that’s going to patched in a couple of weeks. Perhaps the PC version is better, having enjoyed Splash Damage’s previous work I’m left wishing I bought it to find out, yet not wanting to support this game with any more of my money.

It’s been a long time since Valve released a product of entertainment I actually want to play from start to finish, but thanks to the release of Portal 2 now they have. Brilliant. To celebrate this momentous occasion I’ve taken the chance to use my Nintendo 3DS and deployed it for Mii making duties. The fruits of this adventure are these two charmingly charming specimens. In case you can’t recognise them the one of the left is a Gabe Newell Mii, and the one on the right is a Doug Lombardi Mii (whoever he is).

When Doug Lombardi’s friend Gabe Newell entered Sony’s Announcement Party (press conference) at the Electronic Entertainment Expo Expo (E3 Expo) and announced Steam integration for the PS3 version of Portal 2 it has always been the platform on which I have been most curious to see the game, yet I would never want to sacrifice the PC version for that. In the end everything worked out perfectly, thanks to the PS3 copy being bundled with a Steam code for the version I actually wanted.

Sony managed to completely balls up my plans to test out Steam integration by failing to keep PSN up long enough for me to play the single player campaign beyond that part near the start where Stephen Merchant talks a lot. Clearly Sony should have used more potatoes, or whatever the flip that meme Portal 2 has unleashed upon us is going to be.

On the plus side, before the whole of PlayStation collapsed my friend ran towards a real life video game store and bought his very own copy of Portal 2, enabling us some co-operative play. Because I didn’t want to wait several years for the 10 jiggabytes of data to download from Steam I opted to play the PS3 version.

I found the whole console to PC cross platform play highly fascinating yet my partner failed to respond to my passing comments about how insanely exciting I found the situation to be, so he probably didn’t give a toss. He’s Scottish though, it’s impossible to get excited about anything with the shrill of bagpipes constantly streaming into your ears. Trust me, I’ve been north before. Once.

With neither of us willing to deliver aural stimulation to each other a hilariously convoluted system was devised to enable text communication. Logged into Steam on a laptop I typed messages to my companion using an array of scissor switch keys, upon pressing enter he would have Steam’s chat window overlay pop-up and display short, concise messages of encouragement.

Instead of opening the Steam overlay and interrupting the game Clifford (I’ve decided giving Drew a name make this tale much easier than coming up with large amounts of words to describe co-op buddy) would then respond in the typical fashion of hitting T and typing his message of admiration, which would display on my screen as if I were playing the PC game. I don’t know why, but despite my best efforts I could not get a USB keyboard to function with the game to enable the same chat options. Bloody consoles.

Our chat solution was probably the most challenging part of the game, and retelling the tale doesn’t make it sound anywhere near as exotic as I had first hoped. Oh well.

Shortly after confirming communication was possible we began playing the game. Surprisingly, despite the fudging of text based chat systems, puzzles never offered too much of a challenge beyond minor clerical errors probably induced by the ever darkening outsidey bits of my house.

The whole co-op campaign probably ended up taking around six hours, and that includes various robot based interactions and accidental murderings. It’s probably also worth noting that, as I was on a PlayStation 3, I ended up playing the whole game with analog sticks, meanwhile Clifford was using the exceptional input devices of mouse and keyboard. I never felt outpaced by his twitchy mouse enabled movement, but I’d imagine that was balanced out thanks to my vastly superior brain cleverness.

You may have noticed I forgot to talk about gameplay and story elements from Portal 2. That doesn’t matter, it would probably just end up spoiling something.